my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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