What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
