the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
