my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
