you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
