Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
