Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
