Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
