We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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