His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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