Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
