Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
