about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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