your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
