I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
