My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
