I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
