I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
