Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
