Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
