Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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