Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
