Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
