I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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