If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
