saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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