question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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