I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
