Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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