Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im holly from the hills drunk
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize