I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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