How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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