i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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