I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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