she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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