his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
