I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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