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My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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