I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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