well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
