Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
