Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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