never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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