wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
