And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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