If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize