My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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