sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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