Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
