So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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