You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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