please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
