Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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