I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Randomize
