Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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