do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
