1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
