just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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