if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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