I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
